National Orgasm Day (six weeks ago) has come and gone. Celebrated in a dozen countries around the world, it’s meant to challenge the taboo against talking about orgasm, especially female orgasm.
Masturbating is the sexual activity that’s most likely to lead to orgasm, regardless of gender. Of course, you don’t need a holiday in order to masturbate–although masturbating can make any day feel like a holiday. Anyway…
I’ve already discussed the so-called orgasm gap here and here. I say that the “orgasm gap” is more of an entitlement gap, a self-knowledge gap, and a communication gap.
Of course, I totally support everyone, especially people dissatisfied in bed, in speaking with their sex partners about whatever they’d like to change. And note: you don’t have to know how to change something in order to report your discontent and to request change.
Let’s Discuss Faking Orgasm
In recent national studies, more than half of female respondents typically report having faked an orgasm at least once. And in a 2010 national study, a quarter of the male respondents said they did too. That’s a lot of people faking a lot of orgasms.
We know why people fake orgasms, and it’s no surprise:
- Wanting sex to be over, and not being able to say so
- Wanting to avoid a partner’s disappointment, criticism, or conflict
- Wanting to prevent a partner’s self-criticism
- Feeling ashamed or embarrassed about being inadequate
- Wanting to distract a partner from suspecting infidelity
- Wanting to keep the secret that you never climax from partner sex or intercourse.
Note how all of these reasons could be addressed fully or partly by better communication. And note that none of these inhibitions actually reflects a sexual issue, or an issue that can be fixed simply by making the sex better.
One of the problems with faking orgasm, of course, is that once you start, it’s hard to stop. If you stop faking it, and you then don’t climax like you used to pretend you do, anyone paying attention would ask “Hey—what happened? You don’t orgasm as much as you used to—am I doing something wrong? Are you? Are you less aroused or less interested in me than you used to be?”
This consequence of discontinuing faking is an important reason that so many people don’t stop.
Bigger Issue
I see faking orgasm as part of a bigger problem–people not being truthful before, during, and after sex. To me, “not truthful” covers a lot of things besides faking. For example:
- Doing sexual activities you don’t want to do;
- Dissembling when asked how you liked an experience;
- Not asking for the non-sexual thing you want instead of sex (touching, cuddling, watching TV together, etc.);
- Not touching yourself during sex because you feel it’s creepy, or you shouldn’t “need” to;
- Viewing, or allowing your partner to view, your orgasm as a symbol of adequacy—yours, or your partner’s, or both.
This raises two more questions: who is your orgasm for? And what is it for? The simple answers are: You; and It’s a bonus, not a goal.
When you let your partner get over-invested in you orgasming, pressure (and therefore distance and resentment) will inevitably follow. This is the opposite of where anyone wants a sexual relationship to go, right?
Sometimes people add other pressures (on themselves or their partner) to simply orgasming. These include squirting; multiple orgasms; simultaneous orgasms; and ejaculating semen (as opposed to an orgasm where nothing comes out of the penis).
Again, this makes sex more complicated, less light-hearted, and it transforms orgasm from a possible pleasure into a project or problem.
To enhance your sexual experience, don’t make orgasm a priority, don’t give it meaning, and don’t turn it into a symbol or deliverable. If you don’t have reliable orgasms and would like to, discuss it with a partner when you’re not having sex (like during lunch, or on a long drive), and make it an interesting object of curiosity.
Ignore social media, and check out the websites of the Kinsey Institute, Rachel Rubin, and Kelly Casperson. If you haven’t discussed this concern with a physician, do so. A sex therapist is also a good source of information and reassurance.
And do remember: if you think orgasm is the best part of sex, you’re missing the best part of sex.
